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before

before that

write me










a.word.a.day
























diaryland

























































































this morning i gave the boys the link to bluedoor. they both went back to the beginning and started reading.

it was like looking through a scrapbook, the "i remember that!" and the "i said that?"

ryan said, 'it must have been so awesome being our mom. there's austin walking around like an 80-year-old wise man with a pull-up sticking out of his shorts, and there's me, a gentle teddy bear who doesn't understand what's going on but just wants to make everything okay.'

perfect. what a perfect description.

i have had a deep sense of relaxing starting at the core of me since they reacted that way to my writing.

11 years ago i started sending a signal out into the dark that was at it's core intended for them...an attempt to show my heart of love to them, which hopefully would shine through the bad decisons and weaknesses i saw in me.

tonight they were telling me how much they love my writing style. this from ryan, who quotes shakspeare, and austin, who reads mccarthy and pahlinuk.

austin said, 'you can tell there's a real person behind the words. you can feel it. your writing reminds me of mccarthy, only yours is better.'

that last part about me being better than mccarthy launched a debate about the "peanut gallery," and how much we trust their praises.

it feels amazing.

they want me to write my memoir. and they want me to start right now.

it was good for me reading back through here with them, because in my memory, those times at the beginning of bluedoor were dreamy. i would sit by candle light with a glass of wine, at the end of my day, and write.

reading back, i was frantic and worried about the same very things i worry about now. i look back and think, but i made it. i didn't sink.

the trick is to apply that enlightenment to the here and now. stop worrying, sit down, and write.