it's crazy making. there are times when to achieve, i have to go against every fiber of me. on those days, i drive, sobbing, down the freeway, gasping for breath.

i want to run away. i want to go to some forest floor under a canopy of trees and be held by the one who knows me best and loves me most.

what if heaven is a place where there is no bright light. what if heaven is all dappled sunlight sifting through green. i just realized that my vision of heaven was always me squinting in the sunlight on a cayman beach.

what if heaven is a cool breeze while i'm sitting under a tree, holding graddaddy's hand, and eating a pear?

what if heaven is an eternal mudpie-baking session? or a mermaid swim by a coral reef?

what if heaven is one long walk with a golden retreiver and some cats mewling behind me?

where do i get my fixed ideas of "what is?" and why can't i reprogram them easily. it's like pulling a plastic sandwich bag full of cookies out of your dog's mouth. my brain won't let go. it can't see the plastic.

man, today sucked. wow.

and while i want to run away and live barefoot in the woods, i have to get rest, calm down, get up again, and hit it harder tomorrow.

steve knew he was wrong. he blew up at me to put me on the offensive, to take the focus off the fact that he screwed up.

i have to go in there tomorrow and remind everyone, calmly, that the issue was a job finished a week ago that got lost on his watch, and that he lied to me about it for days.

that is the issue.

see, the woods would have been nice, but maybe the lessons i'm learning and the strength i'm gaining will help me go back to the woods and live like a wolf ... alone.

without anyone taking advantage of me, or telling me what to do.

i never did that. my life is a patchwork quilt of the skills i aquired working to please others.

i am terrified of growing strong. i am terrified of speaking my mind. i take it until i cannot, and then i blow up.

working in a manufacturing company, when i am the liason between the company and the customers, and also the liason between our office and the production facility is a fucking TOUGH job.

i have to go from rapid profanity into the 2-way to meeting a pissed off customer in the show room. within minutes.

it is impossible. yet i am doing it.

if i had fallen into the arms of a lover and cried, i would still be there...avoiding. now i've calmed down to the point where i can see that this growth is essential for me.

i must learn it to grow...in my mind, in my heart, with my god.

i can only learn it facing the pain of alone and the pain of not checking with someone about what i should do.

it feels like there's a concrete block on my chest. it's hard to breathe.

the doctor has me on blood pressure medication. my blood pressure has always been low. my periods are starting to become erratic.

age? being overweight and unfit? stress? menopause? perimenopause? my job? being a single mom?

i've never been alone this long in my life before. i am chewing at the restraints. i am trying to isolate so that i won't choose the wrong person this time.

i guess this time the person i'm supposed to choose is me.

i am terrified.